SAINTS 7 GEMADEPT 0
Attendance: Four and a half
How we went from zero to seven in 80ish minutes:
One: Sam Green/ Greene/ Greeney fielded on the right-side of midfield, cut inside and unleashed a cracker with his left peg from outside of the box after 15 minutes or so (Captain-slash-Gaffer-by-Default Steve Shaw/ Shawn/ Swan admitted later he’d had a pep talk and told Sam to do exactly that so a technical assist for Steve there).
Two: Rich/ Richard/ Dickie Fitton/ Fittan/ Fitten/ Fetton came cutting in from the left and linked up with someone else who deserves to be mentioned but I can’t remember who it was (but whoever you are, YOU GOT AN ACTUAL ASSIST!) before slipping through one-on-one with the keeper and casually stroking it home.
Three: Rich/ Richard/ Dickie Fitten/ Fetton/ Fitton scored directly from a beautifully curling corner kick after a brilliant dummy run and dummy-flick by the webmaster (my assist there surely).
Four: From another corner or maybe a cross (who cares), the webmaster completely missed a header on purpose to give John/ Jon Norfolk/ Norbert/ Norfert the space to loft in another superior cross (read: placing it right on my head) into “the Mixer” for the webmaster to nod home.
Five: Bursting through the middle like a man’s man, John/ Jon Norfolk/ Norbert/ Norfert left a trail of bodies in his wake and slotted the ball into the bottom right of the goal (Steve gets another technical assist here thanks to his general instruction to everyone to: “Get your shots away... and try to get them on target”).
Six: After some superb pressure from the left the ball spurted across the box before Benjamin/ Ben/ Benny Hawxwell-Greene/ Hawkswell-Green/ Hackswell-Green bullied the defender into scoring an own goal with his back (a physical assist there for our finest tweed-cap wearing Yorkshireman).
Seven: After Gemadept shored things up a little bit and did their best to start a fight several times, the Saints slowed down on the goal scoring front. At some stage Chuck Roger/ Rogger/ Rugger burst across the box and the ball fell to the webmaster’s feet. I side-footed my shot too close to the 4ft 6 inch goalkeeper, who managed to palm the ball into the path of Richard/ Rich/ Dickie Fetton/ Fittan/ Fitten who stroked the ball into an empty net for his hat-trick (actual assist for the Webmaster however Steve takes some credit too. He didn’t actually say, “GO SCORE A HATTIE ON YOUR DEBUT RICH!” but he did give him “the look” – you know, the one that makes you BELIEVE...).
AND THE GLORIOUS ZERO: With Sean/ Shawn Boyle/ Boil/ Bowle returning to his spiritual homeland -- downtown Saigon -- and returning between the sticks, the Saints defence got what they’ve long deserved: a beautiful clean sheet. Mr. Boyle/ Boil/ Bowle was aided and abetted by Sean/ Iaian Campbell, Ben Hulfolk/ Hulbert/ Hibbert, Simon Finnigan/ Finnegan/ Finnygin, Maximus/ Max Oswald/ Ozwall, Benjamin/ Benny Peadon/ Peterson, Alex Crane/ Crowne who all did heroic shifts at the back. Gemadept did slip through a couple of times but Sean Boyle/ Boil/ Bowles gave them the look, you know, the one that says, "I didn't sleep much last night, do no trouble me with your shots." And so they didn't.
And we were simply fan-fucking-tastic throughout. Everyone played a part. James/ Jimmy Teague/ Tiggy/ Teaguey played more beautifully than he danced at Kim's 18 hours previously and HE DANCED SO BEAUTIFULLY AT KIM'S WOMEN CRIED TEARS OF JOY (and a man took his clothes off). The only lowpoint was an injury to Aidan McNally/ McInallay/ Macauly who has just come back from a long lay-off. But all-in-all, it was an almighty performance only surpassed this season by the Saigon Saints Table Quiz Team winning the Belgian and Luxembourg Chamber of Commerce annual quizathon last Friday. Did I mention (brag about) that yet?!